It’s hard to believe it’s that time of year again.
Back when I was a kid, we didn’t go back until the Tuesday after Labor Day and that was after a 24-hour dose of the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon featuring Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Wayne Newton, Tony Orlando and the aforementioned Jerry Lewis. Man, those were the good ol’ days. And it was cool at the bus stop in early September. Now, kids go back in the middle of the dadgum summer.
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